Partially Settled Vagabonds

Going Postal, A Three Act Play...

Going Postal

by John K.

Scene 1: Main character, John, is typing furiously on his computer, deleting, retyping. Visible chunks of hair are falling from his head. Eyes bloodshot. Eerie music plays in the background. Telephone rings.

John: "Hello?"

Margaret (wife): "Hi John!!! Are you coming to see me tonight?"

John: "Um, Mag, listen, this paper is really about to do me in. I've only managed to squeeze about two pages out a day, and I can't figure out where to go next."

Margaret (sounding disappointed): "Oh. Okay, well I guess I'll see you tomorrow."

John (still sane enough to know the right response): "No, no, a break from the house is probably just what the doctor ordered. I'll pack my bag and be there by 7:30. We can watch the Apprentice and talk about my paper."

Margaret: "Really? Oh great!!! I'll pick up dinner for us. You're the best."

[They hang up]

John (to himself): "I really am the best."

Scene Two: The Shearaton in Parsippany. Chili's salads are on a table, Apprentice plays in the background.

Margaret: "Do you want to talk about your paper?"

John: "Ugh. Yes, I suppose we should."

[John reads while Margaret listens diligently]

John: "...has made it the necessary preference. And that's the end. Whaddaya think?"

Margaret: "I think it's good. You'll want to include some more empirical data to back up your arguments."

John (feeling the veins bulging in his neck, speaks through gritted teeth): "Okay, well that's an awful lot of information and research that I've done, wouldn't you say?"

Margaret (sensing danger): "Oh, yes. I think you could turn it in right now."

[Fade to black as the couple finishes the Apprentice and the paper falls from John's hand as he drifts into a fitful sleep.]

Scene 3: Back at home the next morning, John arranges his books around him, turns on the computer, and takes a long sip from his hot coffee with extra caffeine.

John (to himself): "Okay, back to work. Maybe I should check email first."

[Clicks on email account and reads the following email aloud to himself.]

John: "Dear Students:I have neglected to tell many of you that the first paper in my courses is only a first draft for the sake of continuing our academic conversation. I therefore grade only the final version. I am sorry if some of you therefore have had unnecessary anxiety about this first paper. Your professor."

[Slowly the veins reappear in John's neck. He stands up from his desk and turns to the front door. He goes to the barn, picks up a can of kerosene and some matches, gets in his car, and drives toward campus.]

THE END

posted by John and Mag @ 11:10 AM